My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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