i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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