now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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