No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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