You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
