im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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