I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
