i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
