dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
