Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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