I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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