the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
