i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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