I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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