the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize