I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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