I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
This baby is an asshole
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
