I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
