The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
