I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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