I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
