when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
