I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize