No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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