Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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