Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I believe in your delicious
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
