You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
What changed your mind?
Being sober
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
