I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
