I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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