It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize