Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize