Moan for me like Helen Keller
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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