my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
