im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
