Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize