You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
