I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
