You're earring is so big in my mouth
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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