Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
