I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
