she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize