not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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