There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
