The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
