a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
