If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
This is my gift to your gina
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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