If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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