i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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