i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
We have started to decorate penises.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize