I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Damn victory sex feels great
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
