After last night, I could never be a politician.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
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