ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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