my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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