better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
