we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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