I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
