I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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